Choose Who You Become!

When things happen to you, you may start to believe you’re not worth anything more than what’s happening to you.

That you don’t deserve any better!
That you’re not worth anything!
That life is unfair!
That people are against you!
That it always happens to you!
That bad stuff always happens!

Although this may be real for you, may be true for you.
Believing any of this WILL NOT help you.
Believing any of this WILL make you unhappy.
Believing any of this WILL make you a Victim.

What If you where to challenge those beliefs and start to believe something different?

What If you started to take your power back – that power over your mind – and then the power over your feelings?

Just Imagine how nice it could be to believe something different.

Although it’s not as simple as this, it’s certainly a start in the right direction. And let’s face it, it’s better than what you originally believed.

Once you start your mind goes searching for more to clarify and confirm – looking for more to confirm the new belief!

It’s like learning the ABC all over again.

A = Activating Event
B = Belief
C = Consequence

A = Someone speaks rudely to you OR Someone speaks rudely to you
B = They don’t like you OR They’re having a bad day, maybe life at home is not good
C = You feel disliked/attacked OR It’s not actually about you

So if all else fails – just remember your ABC.

6 Ways Your Childhood Could Be Impacting Your Relationships

6 Ways Your Childhood Could Be Impacting Your Relationships

We all have the need to feel safe, secure and useful.
Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do?
Do you ever wonder what is it that makes you who you are?
Do you ever wonder: Who am I really? What’s really going on for me?

When I refer to ‘Parents’, it is whatever caregivers you grew up with (everyone is different and has different parental influences), for ease I will refer to them as Parents.

TRUST

Trust is the basis of any relationship. Perhaps you struggle trusting others as an adult. What happened as a child that impacts this trust? Maybe an experience or belief around being neglected, abandoned, criticised or abused? Often the skills our parents had also where imparted from their childhood experiences and passed on to you. So just imagine how your parents operated with the skills they had at the time. They didn’t know how this transferred to their children, they loved their children in their own way. But there was a lacking of unconditional love through learnt behaviour!

Unconditional love – insecurities = great relationships. Mistrusting others around us is a way we protect ourselves but there are better ways to be protected from those we love.

Some of you may really connect with one or two or more of these situations. Of course not everyone has such affects that carry on into their current relationships. But if you can relate to any of these and it can help you recognise places to make changes to support more rewarding relationships, then congratulations to you. It will be worth it!

What protection are you putting in place that isn’t serving your relationship?

INTIMACY

Levels of intimacy and vulnerability are built on the foundation of trust. When growing up did you feel unsafe opening up and being yourself, did you feel misunderstood or dismissed?

Was nothing you did good enough for your parents? So then, how do you feel comfortable and confident in yourself now?

How then, if you are always protecting yourself, do you interact intimately with your partner?

Your partner may be craving connection with you, but you don’t even realise how often you may dismiss or deny the intimacy with them.

Noticing the opportunities your partner is putting out there to connect is a great start.

Considering why you are not willing to open up in that moment may open a door you didn’t even realise was locked.

DIFFERENT GOALS & EXPECTATIONS

Each person brings different interests, perspectives, weaknesses and strengths to a relationship. You might like some things your partner offers, like being a great cook, making you laugh, getting on well with others, but can’t stand their music taste or the fact that they are so interested in games or react too quickly at times.

Some conflict in relationships is expected, and there are ways to handle it so it doesn’t destroy your relationship.

Relationships can become stronger if partners can talk about differences as a part of their relationship. Respectful communication and a bit of give and take is vitally important.

Being aware you have expectations and what they are helps. Do you need those expectations to be met by your partner?

DEALING WITH CONFLICT

Pulling Away  –  When you feel the overwhelming sense of panic when you believe your partner is pulling away or leaving you – it may be irrational but in those moments your brain isn’t able to reassure you that you’re just being irrational.

Abandonment when growing up, can trigger this upsetting feeling and the need to repair the issue IMMEDIATELY. This may push your partner away if they are needing space.

So what if you need to talk NOW and your partner needs space?
If you need the reassurance, you have a much better chance of getting that if you respect your partners need for space. Asking your partner to let you know you are loved when they need space to calm down and process the situation causes more conflict. Hear them and respect that. Your turn will come sooner rather than later.

Shutting Down  –  Now if you’re shutting down a lot and need time to process or get away from your partner, maybe you struggle with conflict. Maybe you grew up with a lot of conflict or maybe a little or no conflict. Either way you were likely not taught how to effectively argue and repair.

You may become triggered by a perceived attack, threat or rejection and go to SHUT DOWN to protect yourself.
Taking time to recover may be necessary and ok – but what if your partner thinks that you don’t care about them when you shutdown?

As with pulling away, letting your partner know you love them and that you just need some time to process and work through the situation.
Self-reflection and exploration is necessary for healthy relationships. It brings about self- awareness.

Reasurrance  –  Whether it’s because your parents were helicopter parents or because they were abusive or absent, we subconsciously develop a sense of insecurity and doubt ourselves.
Maybe you weren’t given the reassurance as a child that was important for you to feel a sense of confidence in yourself to explore and make mistakes? Maybe you weren’t even acknowledged or maybe you where validated TOO much?

How does this impact your relationship? You may find yourself being really defensive and feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away. Maybe they can’t actually reassure you at that time – whatever they do just isn’t good enough for you.

What do you want to hear what they say?
What is your self talk when you find yourself feeling insecure?

INVESTMENT TIME IN / ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Depending on how much love, time and attention your parents gave you, the involvement in your life affects how much time and attention you put into your relationship.

From a young age you learned to fit in, play a role in your immediate family, to be whatever the family unit needed you to be.

Since you are so used to being in a certain role within your family, you may look for and find partners that keep you stuck in that role (with no self-awareness of this fact).

WHERE TO FROM HERE

So how do you become aware of how your childhood affects your relationships…

Listen to what your heart is telling you.

What are the thoughts that are repeatedly coming up for you?

What then do you use as your defense mechanisms?

 

Beware – Forgiveness Brings Happiness

Beware – Thought provoking information below:

Wikipedia explains forgiveness as: the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

So let’s look at that in more detail.

Victim – there’s a tip.  I’m imagining if you are reading this you may have had a time were you felt like a victim!

What is it do you think that stops you from forgiving someone for bringing hurt/harm to you?

You may think that forgiveness encourages the wrongdoer to keep hurting/harming if not you but maybe others.

You may feel a little responsible yourself.

You may find it hard to forgive yourself at other times, let along during these times.

I wonder what is your reason for keeping the feeling of being wronged close to you.  What are those feelings protecting?  Strange way to think about it.  But what if there was another way you could feel – would you want to feel differently?

Who is really hurting you by holding onto the pain and memory of the hurt.  YOU – you are becoming not only the Victim but the Persecutor as well.  More on this to come, keep a look out on my website.

If you were to look at forgiveness differently and start by:

  • forgiving yourself for feeling the hurt
  • forgiving yourself for sadly not being able to help the other person to change
  • forgiving yourself for not being able to teach them to be a better person
  • forgiving yourself for only being the expert on your life and not having the power to change others
  • forgiving yourself for wanting to NOT feel the hurt anymore
  • forgiving yourself no matter what

Forgiveness – A Gift for You

I’m not talking forget or condone the person’s behaviour.

We often think of forgiveness as a kind and compassionate act towards someone who wronged us.  Although this can be true.  The best part about forgiveness is the health benefits physically and mentally for you.

Forgiveness plays a major part in your happiness and can aid in improving depression and anxiety.

Forgiveness can lower your stress by reducing your heart rate and generally supporting a healthier you.

When you hold onto the hurt feelings and remember the pain, your insides are festering and it will make you sick at some point.

So I’m talking about forgiveness from a different view.  I’m talking about forgiving yourself for not being in a position to do different, to be able to stop that person’s behaviour, to stop that person from hurting you, to stop that person for not being good to you.  Dealing with what has happened to you may require more support – support is out there, please ask.

What if a way to start healing the hurt was to work on forgiveness?

I’m talking about moving yourself through the pain, working with the power you have.  Only you can heal the pain.

How is it that even an apology from the person may feel insincere?  How is it that it really doesn’t matter what the person where to do – it is totally up to you as to what you do with their behaviour, words, whatever is is that they may offer up OR NOT.

View forgiveness as something for you, not a gift to someone else, but a gift to yourself.  When your fears to forgive come up, recognise these fears (further information can be found on Facebook: @lifefulfilmentcoachingandhypnotherapy).

You are worth it  ♥   You are worth this Gift  ♥ Give it to yourself  ♥

High Functioning Anxiety – (Hidden behind a SMILE)

Life is all about being successful right?  Everybody has to be seen to be managing!  Only the strong survive!  To ask for help shows a sign of weakness.

High functioning women, holding down a good successful job, being a Mum to their children and all that comes with that (do not get me started).  And if you are lucky enough to be sharing the load with a partner you are a lover and partner too! Yes, you have to keep going, right? Who else is going to pick up the pieces?

What if that driving factor that plays out as motivation is in fact anxiety being disguised.  What if that anxiety is creating such an unhealthy inner-self!

What has to happen for you to take a breath and focus on looking after YOU!

A lot of people think they have to just live with Anxiety and manage, but I don’t see why you do.  We can ELIMINATE it!

Do you have High Functioning Anxiety?

You can look quite successful, turn up early to places, be a YES person, and get a lot done.  High Functioning Anxiety means you look like you’re getting through the day with no problems at all, others may think you always look well dressed and organised and your social calendar always seems full.

What the outside world may not know is that beneath the surface your inner-self is fighting that constant stirring, agitating feeling of anxiety.  You know the feelings of nervousness, fear of disappointing others, fear of failing, fear of not looking like you have it all sorted, of not being that picture of success (because you have it all – right!)

 Where do we go with this now that we know?

  • What are some of your thought patterns that play out like that same movie in your head?
  • What if you were to just mix up the lines a little, and replace some of those lines with ones that support you?
  • Hey, you could even replace some of the characters in your movie!
  • Remember what you already know, and actively build these into your lifestyle
    “YOUR LIFE”   Breathe – Sleep – Water – Healthy Foods!
  • Lastly and most importantly – I wonder if there are any reasons you would want to hold onto this anxiety???

High Functioning Anxiety can be a double-edged sword.
Whilst you fear letting go of what fuels you, it also can be your undoing.

You don’t need to be secretly anxious to succeed.

 

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